Celebrations & Reflections

I was tempted to blow off this year's birthday, not wanting to make a big deal out of turning an ending in zero number, but I think that would have accomplished even less than putting in the effort of celebrating it. Honestly, I was surprised at how few big all out celebrations there were this year, seeing as how quite a few of my friends were also turning three decades. Also disappointed because I really expected big throw downs.

We have this tendency to make a big deal out of certain dates, holidays, times, and events and sometimes it seems pretty arbitrary, but since one of my goals this year was to be less jaded, part of that is being open to the meaninglessness of it and embracing it. While I don't necessarily agree with saving up your thoughts, emotions, and presents to give to someone on a specific day, I do see the value of having those days to remind ourselves to be thankful, to love a little harder, and to reflect on how far we've come. It'd be great if we didn't need specific days for that, but we tend to get caught up in life and forget what's really important.

So. What is worthwhile to reflect upon after three decades of being alive? The things I did? The people I loved? Or should I look forward to the next three decades and try to guess what I'll want and need and how I can continue to make my life meaningful?

The only thing that is certain is that life is uncertain and one thing that I never want to happen is not to be able to adapt to those changes.

Dealing with Being a Flawed Person

Insecurities. Everyone has them. For whatever reason, mine happen to be triggered by other Asian girls. Being relentlessly competitive is a huge and noticeable drawback in this circumstance.

Ironically, most of the close female friends I've had in my life are Asian. And most of the time, I've been largely successful in keeping my bouts of self-doubt and "wtf am I doing with my life; I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile" to a minimum and any depression I feel about it is usually fleeting. Which I am ever grateful for, seeing as how I know many people who struggle on a daily basis with their depression and are awesome awesome people. I have it pretty easy, but it's still a shock to be confronted by those emotions and not know what to do about them. Usually I just try to wait it out and not dwell on any specifics.

I'd like to think that I've made some progress in feeling validated by myself and not by others but that'll probably be a lifelong struggle. Same with owning my emotions. But at least now I feel like I'm going through life being more aware and as an active participant instead of constantly being buffeted around by events and people that I can't do anything about.

One thing that I have a hard time with is imagining what other people might find interesting about me. I try really really hard to stay on top of things and try new things so that I'm someone people want to be around and do interesting things with. Ultimately I'm a people-pleaser but at the same time I strive to do interesting things and have interesting experiences because life is unpredictable but if I can make the most of it now, I won't have as much to regret later. But sometimes I feel like all of it are just things that I use to prop myself up and I'm like a sieve. I'm always racing to consume so that I'll be a full and interesting person, but if I don't, it'll just seep out of me and I'll turn back into an empty shell of a person.

That is my fear. And consequently, that someday I might cease to be as interesting and fun. No one will want to hang out with me or be with me and no matter what I continue doing, all my experiences will be in gray scale and be meaningless because no one will care.

But I know in my head that I don't always have to share the cool things in my life that I experience on my own for them to be real and have meaning. It's hard to believe it with my heart though. Frankly, the idea of living on my own next year is a little terrifying. My new complex issue is commitment squeamishness overshadowed by the dark cloud that is "Loneliness". And the really crazy thing is that I don't remember a time in the last many many years that I've actually felt Alone or Lonely. That's how deep this fear runs.

I think maybe a good small step will be to try real hard not to share so much when I'm doing stuff by myself. Instead of putting energy into trying to remember what cool thing is happening so I can tell someone else about it, really trying to just be in the moment and enjoy it as something that is fleeting and if I can't remember later what happened, knowing that it was something that I enjoyed.

Kids. NaNoWriMo.

I'm on the cusp of spending the next 30 days feverishly writing. I'll also be turning 30 in those 30 days. I plan to do my best to not care about the quality of writing and just write to see what comes next. I feel pretty good that I've set aside enough time to write and as long as I keep up a good pace, everything should be fine.

The view outside of my work window looks out at the top of one of the trees. Its leaves are slowly turning more and more yellow with each passing day. It reminds me of the constant march of time, which we battle against throughout our lives. An obviously losing battle, but occasionally we have little snippets, moments where our desires and the flow of time are in sync.

Whether or not to have kids is probably the single biggest decision you can make in your life that is irreversible and will impact almost every part of your life and the lives of those around you. And yet, I get the feeling that even the people who consciously decide that they want to have kids have little to no idea of the day to day mechanics, what they're giving up, or how much work it's going to demand from them. For having done this for thousands of years, I still feel like the average adult is poorly equipped to handle the rigors of raising another human. But at the same time, completely incapable people raise children all the time.

I didn't realize this when I started this post, but in all actuality, raising kids and writing a novel have some similarities. Both are pretty enormous tasks that are incredibly daunting when looking up at them from ground level. Some people just have to get over their fear of failure and jump into it, putting their trust into the fact that they're competent enough individuals to resolve any issues that will come up. Majority of the time, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into on day 1.

It's difficult enough planning my own life without having to plan every minute detail of someone else's. But I guess when you don't have a choice, you do it.

The other thing that I realized while walking past a co-worker's monitor that was displaying a picture of her baby, was how much having a kid would remind me of the fact that I'm Asian. Sure, I look at myself in the mirror all the time, but my race and background aren't usually the first things that I think of. Honestly, I don't think about it at all but that's not to say that it's not important to me.

Mainly, the one thing that I cannot get over right now is how much commitment a child takes. I'm more than likely suffering from some adverseness to commitment at the moment, which makes the idea that I'd be tied to the child for the rest of my life (and likely also to the father and all the other family members that have a vested interest in the child), an incredibly claustrophobic and frightening burden that I have no intention of putting on.

Could I see a future where I'm raising a child? For sure. And I'm sure I'd be pretty good at it, both because I'm a competent, smart individual, and also out of necessity. But I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be a Type A Mom, who hand sews Halloween costumes, always has something fun and educational planned for outings, cooks balanced, delicious meals that no one complains about, and has the time and energy to answer ALL the questions.

The real question is, how do I feel about the needs and wants of other people dictating how I live my life? Other people are important to me. I know I don't live in a vacuum, and nor would I want to. Connecting with people and building memories are huge motivators in how I choose to spend my time. And when dealing with other people, I know that compromises have to be made. No one is going to want exactly the same things that I want.

So how will I know if I'm compromising too much?

I don't know if I have the luxury of saying, I'll just wait a bit, see how I feel in a few years. I've already done that. I'm really no closer to a concrete answer. Time marches on, and with it, the choices or non-choices we make. I guess the best that I can do is to make sure that I'm at least aware.

PAX 2013

I've always done a Post-PAX recap.

This year was just as relaxed and carefree as the last time. Things with friends seemed to click into place. I think I was worried about being left out if I didn't organize things myself, but I wasn't. Honestly, what I've realized over the last several days is that there's not much else in the world besides friends. Connecting with other people is one of the most important things and I don't think I could be happy without it.

Somehow, I went through the entire Octopus Pie archive tonight. I bought a print of my favorite page. I'm a sap I know it. It's kind of a depressing comic though. Like Freaks & Geeks, it's too real.

I wish I could go on a run right now, but it's the middle of the night. It looks like the weather is taking a sharp turn into autumn too. Lots of rain.

After talking to T in line, I've decided I'm going to do NaNoWriMo, which stands for National Novel Writing Month. My November so far is completely empty, except for my birthday, which I've pretty much already planned. As long as I keep it that way, and hole up for a month, I can accomplish something that I've always wanted to. I don't think it even matters what the story is, as long as it makes some sense. I think I just need to know I can do it.

I don't want to get into the Dickwolves debacle, but I will say that I don't plan on boycotting PAX and I still want to Enforce for Prime. I think there's other ways of being heard.

This has been one of the most social PAXes I've had. I definitely spent more time talking to people than playing games. This was the year of the Oculus Rift and Omni. For $800, you too can own the next gen VR experience.

What else can be said? I think a lot of people were somewhat disappointed by this year's PAX. It's becoming rote. We're no longer so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. There were some great indie games for sure, ones that aren't afraid to push the envelope, to mashup, and to delve into uncharted territory. Games as Art. That's what I want to be the next big thing.

Summer Recap

It's the last week of the summer months and while I hope there's still several weeks of nice/warm weather ahead, I thought it'd be fun to recount what has probably been one of the most physically active spring/summers I have ever had.

April 25 - I started the Zombies, Run! 5k training and haven't looked back since. This one change has drastically impacted my fitness level and paved the way to doing so much more without feeling like I want to die. Who knew running 3 times a week would make such a difference?

May - Started the process to get Lasik, specifically PRK done. Went to St. Louis and got to go to City Museum, which was mind-blowing and I discovered I like to crawl around in tiny spaces. Went to 4 SIFF movies, all of which were amazing.

June - Went to the Anamanguchi show, moved to First Hill, went hiking for A's birthday (and ran down part of the trail), and went to Go Play NW, where I played 7 story games in 3 days.

July - On the 4th of July, I did a run to Madrona Park and then took a swim, and then spent like 6 hours in the park. Went river tubing in Leavenworth, went paddle boarding in Ballard, did the Be the Match 5k run in Portland, which I managed to raise over $500 for, took two trips to Olympia, went on a 3 day backpack camping trip and hiked 24 miles.

August - Went blueberry picking twice, saw Wagner's The Ring Cycle (4 operas in a week), went to a wedding then an elopement party, did the Electric Run 5k and managed to not twist my ankle running at night, did two days in a row of biking 12-14 miles and then did a 30 mile bike trip around Bainbridge Island, complete with cheese and wine tasting and a picnic. And I wasn't even sore the next day (except obviously my butt).

And of course, rounding out August with PAX!

I'm proud of myself for taking the initiative and signing up for all of these interesting events. I don't think I've wasted a single day. Every day has been an opportunity to explore, to experience new things, and to be enriched. I've gotten rid of an amazing amount of artifacts and it's allowed me to start being more aware of what I want to keep and what I should throw away.

Am I worried I'm going to burn out? Not really. I've also learned to take it easy and not focus so much on goals. I don't need to compete against myself and I'm trying to not think about competing with other people so much. Hopefully the fall and winter months will afford me with some time to play some games and read some books :)

Them Be Fightin' Words

The previous blog post was something that I had written up a while ago but forgot about posting.

Obviously I've been doing a bad job lately of keeping up with blogging. I'm just not a very introspective person. So sue me. The most introspection I've done recently was writing a "story" at a coffee shop last Thursday night. But it'll stay in its notebook because it's not fiction enough. I wrote it, got it out, but it's too personal for public consumption. But of course, like all the things I write, I think it's pretty good :)

I always feel like blogging late at night when I should be sleeping. Some nights I just don't feel like I want them to end, even though nothing is going on, it's appealing to see the night stretch out in front of you and not think about what's coming up next.


Why Fight?
There are times where
You open your mouth
Fear & Rage Pour Out
But they're deaf and blind
There's no point.

You grip that
hold on tight
and bleed
staggering up
standing tall
but the weight of their
ignorance crushes
like ice
cold and unyielding.

Should you wait
forgive but not forget
save it up
for the perfect moment?

No.
Life is uncertain
Life is short
No one will speak up
No one cares.

Struggle against
Be strong
It's one step
But it's the way forward.

Remote Companionship

Here's an idea. For those people who either are too busy to talk to their friends on a regular basis, or don't have any friends that share their interests, you can download podcast-like conversations. I'm not sure I'd be the best person to record such things, since I don't talk non-stop, but the idea is that the PodConvo would be on a specific topic, say, The Walking Dead game, Chpt 1, and it'd be equivalent to meeting someone who had just finished playing Chpt 1 and wanted to discuss the nuances of the game play, spoilers, thoughts, feelings, and stories that came up as a result. People could feel free to pause the PodConvo at any time to interject their own thoughts, feelings, and stories without worrying that they were dominating the conversation or interrupting the person too much. They'll never forget what they were about to say! They'll patiently wait while you go on a half an hour diatribe!

I definitely think there's a niche for this kind of thing. Sometimes dinner at home can be enhanced by conversation instead of watching TV or a movie. Who doesn't like to be talked at about an interesting topic or subject that they hold dear?

Same Love

They started playing Macklemore's Same Love on the radio. Every time I hear it playing on the radio, my chest gets tight and I feel the early beginnings of wanting to cry. Pride is coming up and it is undoubtedly the gay marriage anthem of our day and age.

I believe in love at first sight. You can fall in love with someone the second you look up and see them. I am extremely fortunate in my life to have extremely few cases where I've fallen in love with someone and not had the interest reciprocated. In a few rare instances, I fall in love with someone who has been in the background, and then suddenly, one day I realize they're pretty awesome. I fall in and out of love and I follow that path down wherever it may lead. Luckily, I'm in a position where I can do that. Being bi and poly is probably the best combination for being able to love and care for the most amount of people. But ironically, I am known to also intensely hate people.

I want to live in a world where people can love and be loved by anyone, but I know that's so far away right now. That's why the song is so sad and sentimental to me.

Love is a difficult topic. For many people, love is synonymous with commitment and loyalty. Others go purely on their emotions. Where does wanting the best for someone fall? And what are the key differences between romantic love and platonic love? Is there something wrong or immoral about not committing to someone or multiple people for your entire life? Family, for a lot of people, are the alpha and omega, there's nothing they wouldn't do for their given or chosen families. I feel like I connect deeply with people, but I also know that the future is uncertain, and that I am inherently a somewhat unreliable person. I've changed and will continue to change, and I can't promise that the change will include still being in love.

Does the freedom to love someone also come with the freedom to not love someone?

Know Thyself

I watched the Girl Walk // All Day movie last night. Chapter 7 is my favorite, especially the subway section, and I'll be listening to the Girl Talk All Day album for the foreseeable future. The whole thing is so beautiful and inspiring and bold. Performance art has always fascinated me and even more so, the ones that somehow interact with the viewer.

The other thing I watched was the most recent Brené Brown TED talk. Both of them are absolutely heart stopping. They've made me realize that I probably definitely have a problem with vulnerability. Realize, but not face. I'm still too freaked out to do that. I've always been good at presenting different versions of myself to different people. I always thought it was because I was good at adapting and knowing what people want. But maybe also, it's easier liking the things that someone else likes and putting on that pre-made persona and interests than really pursuing my own. I'm so focused on being able to relate to the people in my life that I don't carve out enough time for myself.

So what's the takeaway here? My longest passions in life have been dancing and writing. I should incorporate more of those two things into what I do in my free time.


Facts Before Fiction
I sat facing the lake, letting the flat, unchanging landscape consume my senses. I felt a slight tug by my elbow.
A small voice floated up into my ear, "What are you doing?"
I turned my head and smiled at him, "Why don't you sit next to me and see for yourself?"
He carefully navigated around the rocks and brushed away the unseen dirt before settling down facing me.
"No, no, turn to face the lake."
He gave me a wary look and slowly complied.
We sat in silence for a minute before I heard, "You know they're looking for you."
I stared straight ahead, anxiety gripping my heart. He glanced over, and seeing my discomfort, said, "I'll sit with you for a few minutes. They won't think to look this far out."
I managed to give a small nod, but my body was still tense, ready for flight at the slightest cough. I thought about the choices that led me to this particular lake and the circumstances that led to me sitting here in my Fiorvanti three piece suit, hours away from saying my vows.

Nick had been the backbone of the marriage movement. He came from a family of activists, so diverse and varied that you could have sworn they married based on which cause they hadn't taken up yet. So when he turned to me and proposed amidst the wild cheering and tears, I knew it was a moment he had been waiting for his entire life.

I, on the other hand, came from a family of easily distracted, laid-back yacht owners. How I ended up with someone like Nick is a constant source of speculation for anyone who has chatted with us for more than ten minutes. Yet here I was, looking out at Lake Garda, unsure for the first time of the direction my life was heading.

I rolled my shoulders and stood up. No one will be upset if the wedding is postponed a day. We're in Italy after all.

What I Like

There are a few things that I like for no other reason than the fact that I actually like them. Sure, maybe someone introduced it to me, but I didn't start liking it because they liked it too. I'm not sure yet if this distinction is important because who isn't influenced by their friends and lovers? Sometimes though, I feel like I lose sight of who I am and that I'm just a shell of a person that's been stuffed with things that other people like and have soaked up their excitement to the point where I'm bloated and only sort of enjoy the food that I'm constantly sampling.

So here's an attempt at trying to distill only the things that I'm sure I like, solely because they're meaningful to me, or they make me happy.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

Ever since I saw a graduate production of this play my freshman year at UW, I have been in love with it. Initially because of the hilarious first bit, but now also for the way it presents existentialism and nihilism, both of which are things that I've struggled to comprehend and understand in relation to how I feel about my own life and its place in the world.

Fight Club

I saw this movie for the first time in the theaters knowing next to nothing about it. I've re-watched it several times throughout the years and every time it's inspiring and reckless and freeing. I used to be much more violent and volatile growing up and sometimes I miss that physicality. I'm still reckless and stubborn. Sometimes I have the overwhelming feeling of purposefully not giving a shit and wanting to see it all burn to the ground.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I've read this book several times and always makes me laugh. Similarly in this vein, Good Omens.

Hip Hop

I like feeling like a badass while I do it and related to this, dancing in general.

Ping Pong

My dad and I used to go across the street to our neighbor's garage and play ping pong at night. It's been a really long time since I've played it competitively against someone. Zach and I played while we were in Antigua and it made me miss the intense bouts and being actually good at it.

Making this list makes me wonder if I have a broad category of thing that is my forte. I guess I generally like point-and-click games and puzzle games. I like knitting. I will read just about anything. Does "Going to new and weird things" count as a thing in itself?

Still, a large portion of the things I do are only partially because I like them/are interested in them, but mainly so that I can connect with people and have something to discuss with them. I'm trying to keep tabs on the ratio, but hanging out and doing stuff with people is a big part of my life (when I'm not being all "I hate people"). The only problem is that with the large number of people I know, they all have a wide variety of interests and hobbies and I can't hope to keep up to date on all of them, much less get good at them. And anything that I'm not pretty good at generally loses a magnitude of fun and interest for me.

So, I'm toying with the idea of picking one thing a month or so and spending time boning up on it and having it be a focus. Topics would include story games, sci-fi/fantasy novels, game design/development, cigars, whiskey, blues dancing, beer, cooking, anime, specific video games (TF2, SC2), coffee, steampunk, punk, goth, the pin-up/suicide girls style, tattoos, leather, bootblacking, noir films, Mad Max apocalypse style, specific nerdy subcultures (Star Trek, Star Wars, Firefly, Dr. Who), Magic: The Gathering, Pathfinder, and D&D, specifically DMing.

That's at least two years worth of research topics, most of which I know something about, but would by no means consider myself an expert. Is there really anything that I would consider myself an expert on? I suppose maybe knowing events that are going on around the city, coming up with an outfit, places to eat, and making a presentation or document better. I wanted to put in there something about people, like knowing who is good people or flirting my way into people's pants...but neither of those things are especially teachable. Not reliably anyway.


And Tonight the Night Rules Us
"Catch it! Catch it!"
The crush of bodies made breathing almost impossible but she held out her hand and willed the spiked ball to fall into it. She got her wish. It impacted and shattered into blue wisps which floated up in front of her eyes and faded into her coinage. Immediately the pressure was gone and she took a deep, victorious breath.

Ignoring the jealous stares, she squeezed into the minicar that materialized, allowing herself a small smile. She would eat well tonight. The minicar sank back into the ground and entered the vast underground tunnels that honeycombed the Earth, the magnitude of which constantly took her breath away.

She closed her eyes and resisted the constant urge to check her social networks, knowing that her rank was blowing up and that the requests for bumps would soon follow. Instead, she called up a quick meditation app and selected the japanese garden 5 minute exercise. As she followed the instructions, picking up fragments of the lyrical Japanese that could be barely heard under the voiceover English, she felt her mind sharpen. Nothing like a nice quick defrag to calm her nerves.

All too soon the minicar glided to a stop. She popped out and entered the maze, her clothing changed to bright yellow as soon as she crossed the threshold. Giant balls of delicious flavored rice hovered in front of her face and she ran through the hallways, eating as much as she could and savoring the fresh fruit. But nothing could match the thrill of hunting down those who pursued her and consuming their flesh. Her eyes glittered in the darkness, jaws constantly chomping and swallowing each morsel before wiping her face with her arm, leaving a bright red smear.