A Poem for Me

You

don't do enough

for you.

But I want to be heard.

I want to be understood.

And?

I want to feel connected -

(un

lone
ly)

embraced & accepted

Open up a port.

It's not secure

It's not safe

You'll hack my shores.

Weak signals are unreliable. Uselsss. Slow.

(If)Repeat:

My interests

Me

My wants

Me

(Then)Connections.

139 "Friends"

Quick check-in on my goals for the year:
1. Play more story gaming tabletop games.

I got to go to some Saturday story gaming and play Metrofinál, which I've been wanting to play for over a year now and playtest a new story game about the garden of Eden. I think it's far enough along in the year to expand this goal to include all tabletop games. 

2. Taking hip hop classes Run a 5K.
The last four set of hip hop classes didn't go as well as the first set...I only went to one class. However, I've decided to take up doing 5Ks and am doing a training program! So I'm also going to modify this one as well. I'm not going to change it to "exercise more" because it's too vague. If I can get in some pull ups along with my running, great, but that's not the goal.

3. Going camping.

No progress on this one. I went to Antigua and they had lots of mosquitoes. It's starting to get warmer though, so I'm expecting to be able to go camping a lot more.

4. Doing the dishes after I make them dirty.

I have my pot and steamer in the sink right, but I think as long as I do them before I go to bed, it'll be fine. I think this will be more of a challenge once I move and we start cooking more.

5. Getting rid of stuff.

I'm pretty much going to be forced to get rid of things here soon, but packing up what I definitely want to keep still hasn't happened yet. I don't feel especially unmotivated to do it, but I haven't done any sorting yet either. I think the sheer mountain of a task that is going through all of the things that I've acquired throughout my life so far and taking less than half is pretty daunting. I have gotten rid of a lot of clothes and dishes so far though.

6. Playing more video games.

I've been pretty unsuccessful in this, I was going to play more Walking Dead tonight but ended up writing this blog instead. I'm also at this exact moment coordinating with W on playing Borderlands 2 next week.

7. Blogging more.

I've suddenly developed an interest in slam poetry and poetry in general. So I might do some of that here.

8. Being less jaded.
Related to the previous one, I fell out of writing poetry at some point in college, I'm not sure why anymore, but the sense that it was silly nonsense that stuck-up people wrote to be obtuse was kind of how I felt. But I've always loved e.e. cummings poems. The playfulness, the breaking of all the rules, those aspects of poetry appeal to me. And who am I to judge someone's creative outlet?


I feel like I'm in a holding pattern right now. I have this looming sense that I should be getting ready to move and am trying to spend more time at home to do whatever tasks that come with that, but so far, haven't actually done much that feels "move-y".

I've been burning off most of my moodiness with the running (though I think I'm going to need to start doing "real" runs outside at least once a week or so) but have been losing some sleep. Not because I have a hard time falling asleep, but because I've taken to lying awake, mulling over my life before I'm finally too tired to keep on thinking.

My life is full of people. Awesome and interesting people. And I count myself lucky to be included in the circles of these people. I'm constantly surprised by the insights that my friends have about me. Apparently it doesn't take long or much to realize certain truths if you start hanging out with me. Like the fact that I have a mild competitive streak. That I can be reckless. That I'm blunt, sometimes to the point of being cruel. And that I like being on the go and going to weird events, but that if I really like you, I will make time for you. Does that make me loyal? Or just good at managing my time?

Either way, I'm on the cusp of meeting a lot more people that don't fall into any of my current circles, and I'll have to think carefully if I want to spend more energy trying to merge circles, or if it's fine to naturally segregate. Mostly, I wish all of my friends got along and that way, I could hang out with everyone all the time. But alas, most activities cannot handle more than six or so people, and often even less. If everyone I knew wanted to do everything that I wanted to do, this would be a problem, but luckily, everyone has their own lives and can't be bothered to let me dictate their free time, as delicious as that would be.

Additional Chances

I was going through my GReader (soon to be RIP) and was reading Patrick Rothfuss' blog and his post on second chances inspired me to finally get something down.

But first, I should probably come to terms with the fact that this blog has disintegrated into a personal re-hashing space. I originally started it with the idea that it would provide useful commentary on the interesting things that I do and experience. And it still could be a sort of review spot, where I list all of the events, books, movies, and games that I've gone through, but since I have a bit of a completionist streak, I'd want EVERYTHING to be put down. I read six books on vacation last week, which is more than I've read in the last six months. I spent a lot of time in planes and a lot of time lounging by the pool/beach and I am so glad that I got a Paperwhite to make reading in the bright sun possible. I'm sure I could lump the book reviews into one post, and there are a few in there that are worth mentioning, but some of them were pretty lame.

Probably the one I liked the most was called To Have and To Code, which is a completely stupid title and had a somewhat confusing alt world where witches existed. And yes, it was a contemporary romance novel, but several times it hit me right in the feels. Which is probably why I continue reading them for fun.

Okay, back on topic. Originally, it seemed like a cop out to just write about personal stuff, especially since I don't go into specifics and use initials. It's like VagueBooking. But I've come to grips with the fact that this blog is mostly for me and always has been. I'm someone who doesn't usually think about things too deeply, but I'm a careful writer, in the sense that I re-read what I write, multiple times, and spend a lot of time thinking about what I actually want to say. So when something's been kicking around in my head with half formed opinions and ideas, the only way for me to muddle through it is to write it down, sentence by sentence, the way I used to write my school papers. Otherwise I just can't let go of it. It makes me feel better when it's been written down, documented, analyzed, and it feels final, something "physical" I can point people to. One of the reasons why I like having SOPs, I'm offloading my knowledge and never have to worry about forgetting some key step because I've written it down. Also, I love when someone asks me about a process or has a question and I can point them to a SOP I've written months and years ago. Now that's efficient.

But I haven't really openly advertized this blog. I somewhat recently went through and added it as a link to a few of my profiles, and while yes, I'm an attention whore and like compliments, it crosses some line for me to actively try to get people to read about what I'm thinking. But I would be the first to say that I love reading about other people's lives, especially those that I know. The little window to get inside their head is always interesting, which I guess, is a small part of the reason why I keep this online instead of offline.

My old blog from my college years was full of angst and lots and lots of posts on random stuff, I truly used that as more of a journal, since that was kind of back when Facebook was just starting up. Now I can document the funny or interesting things that happen to me on a daily basis in chunks, which pretty much just leaves this for introspection. I always think I'll go back some day and re-read posts from that era, but I tried that with a journal I kept in elementary/middle school and omg I just wanted to burn it. It was so embarrassing. I think luckily, since then, my writing has improved and I'm a lot less whiny and even more surprisingly, some of the things I've re-read I've been shocked that I actually wrote it. Which then begs the question, am I a worse writer now than I was back then? Has the creative and interesting writing been smothered by lack of writing/being too efficient? When I write creatively, I find I have to go back over and over again to fill in details and flesh out moments. Writing in a torrent has never been my style but I'm worried that I've forgotten how to make a piece of writing fun and interesting to read. Structured writing is clean and has its own style of beauty, but it's also not usually easy and fun to breeze through while on the beach. Anyway, the solution is probably just to write more creative pieces and then getting into that mindset of being loose and easy with my words will come more naturally.

Now, back to what I originally wanted to write this post about - having additional chances that I don't deserve. I find that recently I've been constantly trying to remind myself of how fortunate I am and imagining what my life looks like from an outside perspective. Some things just look better in print you know? But it's hard for it to sink in because it's not something that I feel in my heart, but that I know in my head. The one thing that I have been grateful for is additional chances. Times when I've been able try again and use the past mistakes to be better and do better instead of having them hold me back.

Adventures and vacations end. They must, and you know from the beginning that they will. It's easy to know in your head that there'll be other adventures and other vacations, but it's difficult to know in your heart that you'll ever feel the same thrill or sense of contentment that you have. I think that's what makes letting go and coming back to routine tough. No matter how many pictures you took, or souvenirs you acquired, you can never have that exact feeling. The memories are there, the impressions of how it felt, but the raw emotion...that is fleeting. All we can do is strive towards the next moment and savor each moment and the feelings it brings.

Or until technology catches up and we can have feelies.

Leaving? Or Coming Home?

I'm moving to Capitol Hill! Where specifically is still too early have a handle on, but I have four large garbage bags of clothes and accessories that I'm donating to Goodwill. And that's just the start.

No doubt it's going to be hard to downsize, and it might be really tough to have to pay mortgage and rent at the same time for an unknown amount of time, but I am so excited to finally be able to merge my living situation with my current lifestyle.

Not to mention all of the people that I vaguely knew lived on the hill that are coming out of the woodwork. The overlap in the people that I hang out with and what they know about me is nearly the same. But I still have several friends that don't know the whole picture. Granted, I can probably count them on one hand but it's annoying to have to censor what I say.

Maybe it's the tech writer in me, but I almost feel like I should send them an email or something, just so everyone is on the same page. Consistency!

And honestly, the move will probably be easier than I expect because we'll probably be using our house as a very expensive storage unit until we can get it fixed up and sold. Maybe that'll be a selling point! Comes half furnished with all this random stuff!

Things I will look forward to once I'm living on the hill:

• Ability to bus to hip hop classes
• Walking everywhere
• Broadway Sunday Farmers Market
• Thursday Story Gaming
• 20 minute commute
• Crumble & Flake
• Seeing my friends on the weekdays
• Walking the dogs
• Feeling like I fit in
• Cal Anderson Park
• Ability to go out dancing/drinking and cab/Uber home if I wanted
• So many good restaurants
• Having people come to me instead of always going to them.

I've Become a Pushover

I have had probably about 16 years of knowing what it's like to be hit on as a generally well-liked, cis-female minority. And all in all, I've been extremely fortunate not to have had any seriously traumatizing things happen, but it's not like I haven't had experiences where I've been scared, uncomfortable, or in a situation where I felt like I was losing control of what was happening to me. And all of it stems from being afraid that I wasn't going to be respected. When I say I'm not interested, it's up to the other person to respect my boundaries and to just leave it at that. I think guys are more likely to have a hard time backing down, while girls are more likely to immediately start apologizing.

And maybe everyone feels this way, but whenever I have to decline any sort of advance, no matter how innocent or politely made, I think part of me is holding my breath, waiting to see if things are going to escalate. And the kind of behavior that creates this is perpetuated by both sides. Girls who play hard to get and guys who think if they just try hard enough or that the girl is just being shy. It's really not something that is fixable, because there's always going to be people like that and people who are genuinely shy and need more assertive pursuing. So I've learned to deal with this undercurrent of fear and just not think about it too much.

Most of the time it's easier just to ignore cat calls, but that doesn't do anything for the next person. Multiple times in my life I've had guys yell at me "Konnichiwa!" One of the last times it happened to me, I was so infuriated that all I could do was say, "I'm not Japanese." Which was really only a small part of it. Even if they had used Mandarin, cat calling in that fashion is super offensive. I think because it brings up the whole being "exotic" and using my language, something that I highly value, like that is disgusting.

Would it be reckless to try and work on not feeling afraid? I feel like it does prevent me from standing up for myself sometimes and presenting a strong, confident image. What I'm not sure about is whether the trade off would mean I'd have to defend myself more often, both verbally and physically. Because it is kind of stupid to have so many interactions colored by a what-if. I think it's at least a small thing I can do to let those people know that, no matter if was their intention or not, I'm refusing to let intimidation prevent me from letting them know how I feel.

Since I've buzzed my head, the amount of respectful compliments have increased. Just last night, I walked into a bar to use their ATM and a group of early St. Patrick's Day celebrants were leaving and one of the guys, without saying a word, held up his fist for a fist bump. I obliged and we continued on our respective ways without missing a beat. I wasn't even wearing any green, so I assume it must have had something to do with how badass I look on a general basis these days. And I feel like I should take more of an active effort to really internalize that badassery, because I practice pretending to be tough, but actually being tough is definitely something that has to be drawn out of me.

I know I have a solid vein of "I will fuck you up/this shit is going to get done" that is strongly backed by stubbornness, but it's not something I use very often and is generally not for public consumption. I think I just need a toned down version of it that I have always at the ready. Maybe that'll make me more of a "bitch" but if standing up for myself and saying what I think are characteristics of that, then bring it on.

March - ing On

We're two months into 2013!
Time to do a recap of how my goals are going:

1. Going to more story gaming.

This weekend is ECCC! I'm hoping to get some short gaming sessions in on Saturday.

2. Taking hip hop classes.

I finished my group of 4 classes and am about to start another 4 class bloc next week.

3. Going camping.

Have been unable to go camping so far, it's been too cold, but I have done some outdoorsy stuff, like going shoeshoeing. That was a nice adventure.

4. Doing the dishes after I make them dirty.

I've been bad about unloading the dishwasher, but actually cleaning pots and stuff that I've used while cooking has still been going well! I like it.

5. Getting rid of stuff.

My pile of things to get rid of has stayed about the same, and I still have it all. I think I'm going to need to decide how important getting any money for the items I'm trying to get rid of is. Because the main roadblock is putting items on Craigslist and going to thriftshops to see if they'll take any of my clothes for $.

6. Playing more video games.

Have played two sessions of Ni no Kuni, which I love, both because it's gorgeous, and because I've been able to be "in the know" and the cool kids club of raving over it. Still have Mass Effect to finish, chpt 3 of Walking Dead, and numerous other ones, but I've also started sessions of Borderlands 2 with W. It's been nice taking our time and actually trying to follow along with what the story is.

7. Blogging more.

Not doing so great on this one :). I think I've been too busy and not at home to really have time to sit down and think, but I had a really great and long convo with P last night over dinner that fleshed out a lot of thoughts and feelings I've been kicking around about appearance and clothes, so maybe I'll try putting that down sometime soon.

8. Being less jaded.

I don't recall anything that has happened recently to trigger my "ugh" reaction, but I think I am still trying to at least make the most out of my time and consciously spend my time. I think one of the things that might be good to keep in mind is that there are constantly new people coming into the world and they have to learn all of the awesome things from scratch. It's unfortunate that some people are just not lucky or privileged enough to be exposed to all of the wonderful things and have an opportunity for themselves to decide if it is actually wonderful or not.

And it's unfair of me to lord it over an unfortunate that so-and-so is crappy and lame because I've gotten to try it...it's kind of like I'm giving away spoilers for life and living. It's an obviously insecure and hierarchy-posturing thing that I do and if there's anything I've learned from this last year of soul-searching, it's that I am well-loved, people care and think I'm awesome. No matter how much I change and explore different facets of being me, I have enough support to succeed. And also importantly, I've come to realize and learn to accept that things in life are not set in stone. I do have power over my life and my choices and they don't need to be dictated by others.

All the Dancing

I've been struggling with the feeling that I don't appreciate compliments as much as I should. And today, I went to my first hip hop class in several years. Nothing like sucking it up to really bring it home that yeah, no duh, I'm not the shit and there's always going to be lots of people way better than me.

So I recognize that I've been very lucky in life. I'm pretty, I make plenty of money, and I have people that love me. Though sometimes it's hard to think of things to say, I've had exciting adventures, read extensively, and engage in a wide variety of interests and hobbies. I'd like to think of myself as someone who likes trying new things and going out and doing stuff.

And what I've realized is that the combination of all of those things and a supportive environment has led me to not be as humble and modest as I should be. I was at Bootie Seattle last night and a girl came up to me and told me nice things and I thanked her verbally and with a smile. But it was brief and I felt nothing. In fact, the first feeling I had was that of expectation fulfilled. As an achievement whore, I think I'm also a compliment whore. Most of the time when I go out to parties or to hang with friends, I dress up to illicit compliments. Only recently, with my exploration of more masculine fashion, have I dressed up more for myself and trying on practically a new persona has been an adjustment. But even there, I know plenty of people that think I'm even hotter now for it, so it's a different level of fun to see their reactions. And those who don't think I look better and maybe even look weird, are nice enough to keep it to themselves.

Filled Weekend

I really didn't expect this weekend to be as full as it was. Immensely enjoyable and productive, but hardly any sitting around.

Friday

Went to Echo Base to screen Primer, which was incredibly confusing but after talking for half an hour or so after the movie with everyone else, most of whom had seen it more than once, things started to become at least a little clearer. Reading the Wiki page on the movie is still on my list of To Do's.

Saturday

Spent the morning catching up on email and writing a bit of the write-up for the A Penny For my Thoughts that I had played on Thursday. Then drove down to Seattle Center where I got signed up for Snow Day, had a bacon cheeseburger with sweet potato fries at Quincy's in the Armory, and then helped out the Emerald City Comic Con with their snow fort for an hour and a half. Snow Day was completely not what I expected. I didn't stay very long at all, about two hours total, including eating, but it was a very satisfying experience. It's been a while since I've been part of an organized work group, and the physical exertion of shoveling snow and working together with strangers made me feel really good. I wore way too much for it though. Even though I wore a fairly light jacket, a thin long sleeve shirt and a thin sweater, I shouldn't have worn my warm waterproof boots, nor the long johns with snowboarding pants. That was overkill. I don't know why I expected to be crawling around on the snow or something. It did make me want to go snowboarding though to actually put the pants to use.

Afterwards, I went to the grocery store to buy supplies to make food for the Important Person Dinner that night at C's house. I made three dishes. The food was good, I had fun chatting about TV shows and movies and games with some of the people there and getting to hang out with C and meeting her brother and sister-in-law. There was also some lovely singing and singalongs and dancing.

Since Z didn't come with me, I had the option of going also to my friend K's place where they had just finished watching Hackers and we ended up watching the pilot episode of Adventure Time and Johnny Mnemonic. Both were entertaining and it was fun seeing K's place and the other three people that were there were very easy to get along with and it was super relaxed. 

Sunday

Went to Toulouse Petit for brunch and it was delicious as usual and it was great to hang out and chat with R, T, and S. Then afterwards, Z and I killed some time by getting his hair cut and then hanging out at Starbucks, where P met us and we went to see Holy Motors, which was a fantastic film. I really enjoyed it. It was fabulously weird and thought-provoking in a "I see what you did there"-type of way. Z did not like it. He thought it was esoteric and that there was a bunch of weird to be weird things. Which is exactly how I feel about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, though maybe I should rewatch it and try not to see it from such a jaded perception since so many people liked it.

When I got home, I put together dinner for myself and lunch for Monday and Tuesday, and did the rest of the dishes from cooking on Saturday. Z, A, and I figured out how I'll be using my 15 days of vacation for the year and solidified some travel/vacation plans:

April 8-12 - Antigua

May 16-17 - St. Louis

Aug 31 - PAX Prime

Dec 26 - Day after Christmas

1 Day for Shi Shi Beach Backpack Camping

5 Days for Japan

I finished the write-up for A Penny for My Thoughts and once I'm done with this blog post, I'm going to play some Walking Dead.

I'm really looking forward to next week. Even though I have something planned every night of the week, I don't feel like I'm overly busy. What I feel is filled and enriched. 

One Week In

1. Going to more story gaming.
I'll be doing some gaming on Thursday!

2. Taking hip hop classes.
I was going to go tonight but it turns out I might have caught whatever sickness C brought back with her from her travels :(. I was immune to what everyone had around here, and now the sickness has caught up to me. However, I did create a new GCalendar that lists the daily schedule of hip hop classes so I can easily copy it over to my regular calendar on the days that I decide to go. I'll probably stick with a 4 class/month schedule.

3. Going camping.
Committed to going in Feb. with TRT and co. to Cama Beach. Also possible day hike to hot springs!

4. Doing the dishes after I make them dirty.
So far I haven't minded doing the dishes more frequently and the sense of keeping it together has been really nice.

5. Getting rid of stuff.
Z and I went through all of our glassware and mugs and we now have two boxfuls that we're planning to get rid of. Now the question is should we just dump them at Goodwill, or try to have a yard sale? Some of the glassware is really nice (champagne flutes, Starbucks mugs), but obviously we'd have to wait until it was nice out to do a yard sale. It might be fun though. We certainly have plenty of things to sell.

6. Playing more video games.
Finally started playing The Walking Dead and it is as good as everyone has said. Have really been enjoying the second run through for the marked differences depending on your choices. And the great thing is that there's usually only two different choices, so I don't feel like there's an infinite number of possibilities (i.e. more than three) so my inner completionist also gets a thrill. 
I also have been working on my Mass Effect game so that when I'm done with it, I can start the second one, as well as start Catherine. 
Looking forward to starting up a second game of Borderlands 2 with W, and playing more Spec Ops: The Line. 

7. Blogging more.
I'm thinking about also committing to once a week blogging, but I think I also should maybe spend some time thinking about what exactly I want to get out of blogging and some topics I want to talk about. Maybe more reviews of movies, books, and games that I consume? Continuing that 15 minute episodic story? I might have to start being more strict on the rules of that...I used to spend time before I started the 15 minutes to re-read the other chunks, but there's like 10 chunks now. Presumably, if I start writing it more regularly, I'll remember the story and be able to go off of just the last sentence or two.

8. Being less jaded.
This is the only one that I'm not sure I've made definite progress on yet. Also, difficult to actually measure. But I still think out of everything on this list, this is probably the most important one because it deals with core traits of my personality and outlook on life. My lofty cynical vantage point is probably so I'm not disappointed more often or so that I don't need to put as much energy into things to be satisfied. I think one of the most recent things that I was jaded about was the Seattle Snow Day event, which is apparently this Saturday.
Just something about the forced nature of creating an environment to induce "the child in all of us" makes my skin crawl with disdain. Would it probably ultimately be fun? Likely. Would I hate getting a snowball in the face? Undoubtedly. Does a "whiskey sweater" drink sound enticing? Yes. Maybe really what this is getting at is that to overcome being jaded about something, the first step is to actually experience it and realize that I was wrong. Maybe.

Cautiously Optimistic

It seems like everyone started off the new year happy and pumped for 2013 to be THE BEST YEAR EVAR. And maybe that's just because the people who started the new year sad and with horrible prospects didn't bother going onto Facebook and posting about it.

I had a pretty good new year's eve. Everyone complimented me on my outfit, I got to see tons of people that I like, and I've been on a pretty productive streak recently. Yet today, Day 1 out of 365 of 2013, instead of feeling upbeat about turning over a new leaf etc., I've been pretty moody. Which helps a lot with being productive but not so much with actual enjoyment. I think I'm just thrown off by some of the unexpected changes. Of course, top of the list is the whole parents threatening disownment. Then, the subtle yet huge difference in being open and having PDA in my relationship with P. I'm happy about it, but also strangely anxious, because it feels a little like there's no one steering the car. And finally, the realization that I own a lot of stuff and there's no way I'd be able to move closer into the city without doing some major rehaul.

Anyway, here's some things I am looking forward to:
1. Going to more story gaming.
2. Taking hip hop classes.
3. Going camping.
4. Doing the dishes after I make them dirty.
5. Getting rid of stuff.
6. Playing more video games.
7. Blogging more.
8. Being less jaded.

Looking forward to seeing what Day 2-365 have to offer. Hopefully by the end, I'll be an even better and improved version of myself.