May 8, 2012

Existential Crisis

So I finally have everything I've been pining after and waiting for, but frustratingly, I'm not as happy and content as I expected I would be. Life is great, I'm doing everything I want, but I still feel strangely unfulfilled.

Z says it's likely because I have no long term goals.

And I can't think of any.

I live experience to experience but the Big Picture? What's supposed to be after this? Is the next logical long term goal to prepare to have kids/be a good parent?

I might have a few hours on Saturday, so if it's a nice day out, maybe I'll find a nice warm spot of shade or quiet coffee shop and mull over life and what I want to get out of it Big Picture-wise. The thing is, I've been having this feeling for probably at least a year now. At first I thought it was because I'm not as creative as I used to be, but those little hobbies weren't really engaging enough for me to focus all my energy on. Also, I'm still under the delusion that I'm going to be someone important.

After reading the Wiki entry on Existentialism, which makes me feel like I've been misusing it my whole life, there are a lot of books/movies that are some of my favorites. Fight Club is one of my top three movies. Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead is one of my favorite plays, as is Antigone (though the one by Sophocles). The last time I saw Ros & Guil performed, it threw me for a loop and in retrospect, it was probably due to the fact that I recognized the cold meaninglessness of existence and that resonated with me and this issue that I've been putting off, rather than just being a sad tragicomedy.

Things that I am currently lacking that make it difficult for me to find meaning in my life:
  • Ambition - for my career, my creative outlets, leadership roles.
  • Obsession - I'm interested in a lot of things, but not obsessed with any.
  • Motivation - I don't feel pulled in any direction, and beyond feeling blah, there's also the tiny thought of what if what I come up with involves a huge change?
You'd really think after so many hundreds of years of human existence, someone would have come up something to help. A quick Google search for "Resolving an Existential Crisis" comes up with this: http://kilroycafe.blogspot.com/2008/07/so-youre-having-existential-crisis.html
Which was at least entertaining to read, and then a 24 Step WikiHelp, which was ridiculous.
I could try some other search terms but probably everything out there is crap. And really, why wouldn't it be? Each person's crisis is deeply personal. I just feel like I'm going to start thinking in circles, so it'd be nice to have some "think outside of the box" prompts. This will likely require multi-mulling sessions so I'm not expecting to figure anything out any time soon, but I am going to try.