November 15, 2013

Celebrations & Reflections

I was tempted to blow off this year's birthday, not wanting to make a big deal out of turning an ending in zero number, but I think that would have accomplished even less than putting in the effort of celebrating it. Honestly, I was surprised at how few big all out celebrations there were this year, seeing as how quite a few of my friends were also turning three decades. Also disappointed because I really expected big throw downs.

We have this tendency to make a big deal out of certain dates, holidays, times, and events and sometimes it seems pretty arbitrary, but since one of my goals this year was to be less jaded, part of that is being open to the meaninglessness of it and embracing it. While I don't necessarily agree with saving up your thoughts, emotions, and presents to give to someone on a specific day, I do see the value of having those days to remind ourselves to be thankful, to love a little harder, and to reflect on how far we've come. It'd be great if we didn't need specific days for that, but we tend to get caught up in life and forget what's really important.

So. What is worthwhile to reflect upon after three decades of being alive? The things I did? The people I loved? Or should I look forward to the next three decades and try to guess what I'll want and need and how I can continue to make my life meaningful?

The only thing that is certain is that life is uncertain and one thing that I never want to happen is not to be able to adapt to those changes.

November 12, 2013

Dealing with Being a Flawed Person

Insecurities. Everyone has them. For whatever reason, mine happen to be triggered by other Asian girls. Being relentlessly competitive is a huge and noticeable drawback in this circumstance.

Ironically, most of the close female friends I've had in my life are Asian. And most of the time, I've been largely successful in keeping my bouts of self-doubt and "wtf am I doing with my life; I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile" to a minimum and any depression I feel about it is usually fleeting. Which I am ever grateful for, seeing as how I know many people who struggle on a daily basis with their depression and are awesome awesome people. I have it pretty easy, but it's still a shock to be confronted by those emotions and not know what to do about them. Usually I just try to wait it out and not dwell on any specifics.

I'd like to think that I've made some progress in feeling validated by myself and not by others but that'll probably be a lifelong struggle. Same with owning my emotions. But at least now I feel like I'm going through life being more aware and as an active participant instead of constantly being buffeted around by events and people that I can't do anything about.

One thing that I have a hard time with is imagining what other people might find interesting about me. I try really really hard to stay on top of things and try new things so that I'm someone people want to be around and do interesting things with. Ultimately I'm a people-pleaser but at the same time I strive to do interesting things and have interesting experiences because life is unpredictable but if I can make the most of it now, I won't have as much to regret later. But sometimes I feel like all of it are just things that I use to prop myself up and I'm like a sieve. I'm always racing to consume so that I'll be a full and interesting person, but if I don't, it'll just seep out of me and I'll turn back into an empty shell of a person.

That is my fear. And consequently, that someday I might cease to be as interesting and fun. No one will want to hang out with me or be with me and no matter what I continue doing, all my experiences will be in gray scale and be meaningless because no one will care.

But I know in my head that I don't always have to share the cool things in my life that I experience on my own for them to be real and have meaning. It's hard to believe it with my heart though. Frankly, the idea of living on my own next year is a little terrifying. My new complex issue is commitment squeamishness overshadowed by the dark cloud that is "Loneliness". And the really crazy thing is that I don't remember a time in the last many many years that I've actually felt Alone or Lonely. That's how deep this fear runs.

I think maybe a good small step will be to try real hard not to share so much when I'm doing stuff by myself. Instead of putting energy into trying to remember what cool thing is happening so I can tell someone else about it, really trying to just be in the moment and enjoy it as something that is fleeting and if I can't remember later what happened, knowing that it was something that I enjoyed.