November 12, 2013

Dealing with Being a Flawed Person

Insecurities. Everyone has them. For whatever reason, mine happen to be triggered by other Asian girls. Being relentlessly competitive is a huge and noticeable drawback in this circumstance.

Ironically, most of the close female friends I've had in my life are Asian. And most of the time, I've been largely successful in keeping my bouts of self-doubt and "wtf am I doing with my life; I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile" to a minimum and any depression I feel about it is usually fleeting. Which I am ever grateful for, seeing as how I know many people who struggle on a daily basis with their depression and are awesome awesome people. I have it pretty easy, but it's still a shock to be confronted by those emotions and not know what to do about them. Usually I just try to wait it out and not dwell on any specifics.

I'd like to think that I've made some progress in feeling validated by myself and not by others but that'll probably be a lifelong struggle. Same with owning my emotions. But at least now I feel like I'm going through life being more aware and as an active participant instead of constantly being buffeted around by events and people that I can't do anything about.

One thing that I have a hard time with is imagining what other people might find interesting about me. I try really really hard to stay on top of things and try new things so that I'm someone people want to be around and do interesting things with. Ultimately I'm a people-pleaser but at the same time I strive to do interesting things and have interesting experiences because life is unpredictable but if I can make the most of it now, I won't have as much to regret later. But sometimes I feel like all of it are just things that I use to prop myself up and I'm like a sieve. I'm always racing to consume so that I'll be a full and interesting person, but if I don't, it'll just seep out of me and I'll turn back into an empty shell of a person.

That is my fear. And consequently, that someday I might cease to be as interesting and fun. No one will want to hang out with me or be with me and no matter what I continue doing, all my experiences will be in gray scale and be meaningless because no one will care.

But I know in my head that I don't always have to share the cool things in my life that I experience on my own for them to be real and have meaning. It's hard to believe it with my heart though. Frankly, the idea of living on my own next year is a little terrifying. My new complex issue is commitment squeamishness overshadowed by the dark cloud that is "Loneliness". And the really crazy thing is that I don't remember a time in the last many many years that I've actually felt Alone or Lonely. That's how deep this fear runs.

I think maybe a good small step will be to try real hard not to share so much when I'm doing stuff by myself. Instead of putting energy into trying to remember what cool thing is happening so I can tell someone else about it, really trying to just be in the moment and enjoy it as something that is fleeting and if I can't remember later what happened, knowing that it was something that I enjoyed.