June 14, 2012

Blogging Instead of Sleeping

Updates...still going through that existential crisis. Have made good progress in scary/depressing movie-watching but so far it's not working. In fact, most of the time I'm mostly just disappointed. I want to figure out whatever it is that needs figuring out because right now I feel like I'm in a holding pattern limbo. I'm doing everything that I feel like I would be doing normally but it's just not the same.

Mostly my problem is this: I. Don't. Know. What. I. Want.

Well, I mean, I want to be happy and content obviously. So I guess really, my problem is that I don't know what I want out of my life. I kind of feel like I need to get deeply involved in something, care about something, but at the same time, maybe that's just wanting to pile on the distractions, bury this issue with busyness. But then again, I think it would be a way to focus on the here and now and maybe it's easier to achieve happiness moment to moment than it is as an overall "my life is making me happy".

Lately, the thought of sloughing off everything and starting again new, fresh, invisible, keeps on popping up but I'm pretty sure huge life changes like that will turn out to be less than ideal later on...the whole 80/20 thing. But, all these smallish changes that I have been making point towards wanting to be a different person. Am I happy with the person that I've built up over the years? With this image of myself that other people see me as? Have I been trying to fit in so much that I've lost track of what makes me, me? Yes, probably to that last one.

I know I'm still clinging to the hope that something will fit into place and I can get this "resolved" sooner rather than later. Because this is horrible and unstable and confusing for probably everyone. And I am still trying to live life, but I feel handicapped. I don't think it's gotten worse, but a day in the sun out in the park isn't going to hardly put a chink in this.

Life is what you make of it right? I feel like for the first time I am consciously trying to do this "life" thing.