May 26, 2013

Know Thyself

I watched the Girl Walk // All Day movie last night. Chapter 7 is my favorite, especially the subway section, and I'll be listening to the Girl Talk All Day album for the foreseeable future. The whole thing is so beautiful and inspiring and bold. Performance art has always fascinated me and even more so, the ones that somehow interact with the viewer.

The other thing I watched was the most recent Brené Brown TED talk. Both of them are absolutely heart stopping. They've made me realize that I probably definitely have a problem with vulnerability. Realize, but not face. I'm still too freaked out to do that. I've always been good at presenting different versions of myself to different people. I always thought it was because I was good at adapting and knowing what people want. But maybe also, it's easier liking the things that someone else likes and putting on that pre-made persona and interests than really pursuing my own. I'm so focused on being able to relate to the people in my life that I don't carve out enough time for myself.

So what's the takeaway here? My longest passions in life have been dancing and writing. I should incorporate more of those two things into what I do in my free time.

Facts Before Fiction
I sat facing the lake, letting the flat, unchanging landscape consume my senses. I felt a slight tug by my elbow.
A small voice floated up into my ear, "What are you doing?"
I turned my head and smiled at him, "Why don't you sit next to me and see for yourself?"
He carefully navigated around the rocks and brushed away the unseen dirt before settling down facing me.
"No, no, turn to face the lake."
He gave me a wary look and slowly complied.
We sat in silence for a minute before I heard, "You know they're looking for you."
I stared straight ahead, anxiety gripping my heart. He glanced over, and seeing my discomfort, said, "I'll sit with you for a few minutes. They won't think to look this far out."
I managed to give a small nod, but my body was still tense, ready for flight at the slightest cough. I thought about the choices that led me to this particular lake and the circumstances that led to me sitting here in my Fiorvanti three piece suit, hours away from saying my vows.

Nick had been the backbone of the marriage movement. He came from a family of activists, so diverse and varied that you could have sworn they married based on which cause they hadn't taken up yet. So when he turned to me and proposed amidst the wild cheering and tears, I knew it was a moment he had been waiting for his entire life.

I, on the other hand, came from a family of easily distracted, laid-back yacht owners. How I ended up with someone like Nick is a constant source of speculation for anyone who has chatted with us for more than ten minutes. Yet here I was, looking out at Lake Garda, unsure for the first time of the direction my life was heading.

I rolled my shoulders and stood up. No one will be upset if the wedding is postponed a day. We're in Italy after all.